The celibate lifestyle isn’t for punks! I’ve been at this for a LONG time, and though it’s been a tough road, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Like fasting, I was pressed to my limit, but some fascinating things surfaced once I got it going. It seems like celibacy wouldn’t have many benefits, but here are four I found!
1. Healing My “Self”
Listen, you can have a healthy sex life and good self-esteem, but I didn’t have that. As I stated in my book, I based my self-worth on my sex appeal and sex. Knowing someone’s pleasure was in my hands or being the object of someone’s desire gave me a power trip, and being wanted in any capacity felt good. Having raunchy stories to tell made me think that was the cornerstone of my being exciting and fun. Moreover, I used sex as a band-aid for unresolved trauma rather than work through it (spoiler alert, it didn’t work).* Going to therapy in college helped me recognize how unhealthy I was in that regard, but the epiphany to change didn’t happen until I was about 25. Choosing to be celibate seemed like the best step for me to start healing, which eventually led to me improving my self-worth. To build self-love over time, I listed things I liked about myself, my proud accomplishments, and the positive ways I impacted my community. To build self-confidence, I listed things I was good at and started engaging in activities I wouldn’t normally do (like attending random conventions or traveling solo to various parts of the country). Getting the chance to do something different helped me explore other facets of myself and (I think) gave me substance. Giving myself grace when I make a mistake, setting (and following through on) boundaries, reducing self-deprecating talk, and trying not to compare myself to others also helped improve my self-esteem. This process is ongoing, and I don’t know if I’ll ever “make it,” but I’m learning to enjoy the journey for what it is.
*If you have unresolved sexual trauma, don’t turn to vices like I did; let’s use some adaptive strategies.
2. Empowering My “Self”
This is part two of “Healing My ‘Self,'” but giving it its own number made sense. Surprisingly, when I’m not distracted by sex (or my favorite telenovela), I have more space to get in touch with myself, and self-reflection was one of the best ways for me to do that. Self-reflection and counseling were a massive help to my personal and spiritual growth. I figured out my communication style, the values I uphold, where I wanted to see myself, how to cultivate my relationships, and all that jazz! It wasn’t all peaches and cream; sometimes, it seemed like jagged rocks and cacti. I had to unearth events that I mentally buried, confront how I coped with said events, and how I allowed all of that to shape me. It was painful reliving traumatic moments of my life, and sharing it with someone made me feel exposed (which is TERRIFYING for me). The good news is I learned where the roots of my issues came from, identified my triggers, and explored adaptive strategies to deal with the triggers. Self-reflection also allowed me to dive deeper into how my trauma manifests itself in my familial, platonic, or romantic relationships and how to combat it. Though I couldn’t control what happened to me, it felt good knowing I could control how I react to things and situations and take charge of my success and happiness.
3. No More “Drunk In Love” Blindness
Honey, let me tell you, when I’m love drunk, I have rose-colored glasses on. Red flags, where!? When being [redacted]-whipped was no longer an option, my judgment became less clouded. I became quicker at noting behavioral patterns, and it was more complicated to explain them away. Don’t get me wrong, the butterflies fluttered, and I still got emotionally attached, but when I had to walk away, I did so with my dignity intact. I learned that when someone cares about you, they won’t pressure you to compromise your values, belittle you because of them, or make you feel like you have to do a song and a dance so they can see you as “worth being with.” Choosing not to walk away (and stay away) may put you in an on-again-off-again cycle, and who wants that? You can get so caught up in someone’s charm, the image they present, or the fantasy you created that you won’t assess the situation correctly, such as not realizing that you and this person’s life trajectories don’t align, which may lead to further strain. This can be worked out if you communicate your wants directly and effectively. But if they’re laying the pipe or feeding the kitty (or if you’re desperate to be with someone because you’re scared of being alone), you may put that on the backburner!
Some things that helped me overcome being love drunk include being honest about what this person is showing me versus telling me, reining in my fantasy of this person, trying to stay present about what’s happening now, communicating my wants while actively listening to theirs, taking steps to build trust, not compromising my values, and not forcing myself to be something I’m not just to be with them. I know how much ruining the fantasy hurts (TRUST ME); however, the faster you acknowledge what’s in front of you, the better off you’ll be in the long run.
4. Building My Spiritual Endurance
In this context, endurance is simply being able to withstand unpleasant experiences without giving up. I believe spiritual endurance is facing difficulty with spiritual principles, specifically self-control, patience, and faithfulness, and not taking the “easy way out.” In my case, the easy way out was going back to my old habits whenever I was overwhelmed instead of using coping skills (like praying, taking deep breaths, tapping into my feelings, going for a walk in nature, etc.) or seeking counsel. Having the scriptures Romans 12:1-2, Philippians 4:13, and 1 Peter 4:12 helped ground me and gave me a reality check. A favorite of mine is 1 Corinthians 9:25, “Every man who strives in the games exercises self-control in all things. Now they do it to receive a corruptible crown, but we an incorruptible” (WEB). Like a runner in a race, I had to acknowledge and work on my weaker spiritual areas. I finally realized I couldn’t build myself up or make significant changes by running away from my issues.
Moreover, I got closer to the Most High and was more confident in proclaiming my faith since my life aligned more with the Word. When I felt like I was failing, I had to remember that journies have bumps and the path can be winding, but that’s okay because progress isn’t always linear. This scripture also gave me hope, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (World English Bible, 2000, 1 Cor. 10:13).
I believe celibacy is something a person must choose rather than have it forced on them, and it’s a personal journey that’s unique to the individual. Some may fare better than others; like I said, it’s tough. If you fear being resentful while celibate, talk to a professional, do some soul searching, and explore other ways to get that energy out (like moving your body, partaking in hobbies, volunteering, or finding community). Hyperfixing what you’re “not getting” and feeling entitled to it will only lead to dark places (especially on the internet).
Thanks for reading my spiel, and stay safe out there! ❤️
