If you’d have told me six years ago that I would reach a place where I can speak openly about myself and not hide anything, I would have laughed hysterically at you. Why? Well, it’s because I had too many masks. I had one for work, another for family, a separate one for friends, one for the church, a mask for the person I was dating, and a mask for the general public. See, the problem was I thought I was doing the right thing…I believed that I was doing everyone (and myself) justice by not showing the “wrong” thing to the “wrong” people. For instance, it felt weird sharing my sexual struggles with my parents or church family, but it was easy to tell my friends. However, when it came to struggles about my faith, it seemed easy to talk to my family or other church members about it.
Eventually, I realized I couldn’t keep my worlds separated forever, so I made a plan. A GENIUS plan. The plan was to slip parts of one “mask” to another one so everyone could get a little piece of me. Not enough to know all of me, of course, but just enough that they thought I was a honest complex person. Let me tell you…the results weren’t great. I didn’t make myself look complex; I’m sure I made myself look like a hot mess. What’s worse, I was trying to justify living two lives and making it seem as though serving myself and serving Christ was doable. It took time for me to realize that it’s difficult to proclaim yourself as a Child of the Way while drinking, sleeping around, lying, cussing, delighting in violence, petty, scornful…you get the picture, right? The more I tried living like this, the more bound I became, and I didn’t even know it…
A couple of weeks before my 25th birthday, my journey to freedom started. My mother was in prayer, and the Spirit told her I had secrets of the heart that needed to be exposed. When my mother told me what the Spirit said, and I froze. I felt the lump in my throat, and the tears fought to gather. All this work I poured into keeping up appearances and trying to keep myself emotionally safe was about to crumble. I immediately tried to conjure any feasible lie that (I thought) would placate her and the Spirit, but I came up empty. My mother saw my reaction and decided to give me time to get myself together.
I spent hours trying to think of something, ANYTHING that I could tell that would still let me have some “dignity.” But then the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. The reason I created and kept up the masks was that I was suspicious and scared. I didn’t want to trust anyone fully. Trusting someone meant that I was giving them the power to hurt me, and that was frightening. I was scared of being rejected after opening up, I was scared of someone being angry at me, and I was scared that no one would like me or even love me if they really knew me.
As I walked to my mother’s room, I still tried to figure out what to say but, when I finally sat down on the bed, things just spilled out. My sexuality, my drinking, what being raped did to me, how many people I slept with, my depression, the suicidal ideations, my rollercoaster faith in God, how fearful I was, how weak I felt, how mangled I was spiritually…everything. And there I was, snotty and weepy on her bed with everything I’ve hidden laid out before her and the Most High. Then she did something I didn’t think she’d do. She heaved a sigh and said, “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that…but I’m glad you told me.” She was glad I told her. Why the heck was she happy, I told her?! She probably saw my expression then said, “I’m glad you told me because now you can be free.” Y’all, at that moment, I could have been bought for a dime.
“Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective.”
James 5:16 WEB
It didn’t take long for me to realize my mother was right. After I told her my secrets, I felt a heaviness I didn’t know I had lifted off me. I felt different and freer than I had in a long time. Do you know what else I felt? I felt my “fortress” breaking down. Don’t get me wrong, parts of it were still up, but it was nowhere near the capacity it once was. I’m still working on breaking that stronghold down, but I have more faith in God and myself that it can be done. I received faith that I can heal and finally understood the phrase we often use in the church “come as you are.” I didn’t have to wait to fix myself up before taking everything to the Father; I could come with what I had and lay it there without judgment. I can come with a load and be relieved of it. And I had a physical example of how that could be done through my mother.
I said all that to say that putting on masks and keeping secrets will keep you bound. Masks are different from boundaries. Boundaries are a healthy way of setting limits on actions that can cause you emotional, physical, or mental harm. Masks are fronts we put up that hide our true selves for fear of rejection and vulnerability. For the record, I’m not saying blab your darkest secrets to anyone for the sake of freedom, but I am saying that verbally acknowledging things may help release you from spiritual bondage. Granted, I think I lucked up regarding people I can share with, and not everyone has someone like my mom in their life. Before telling the secrets of the heart that bind you, pray and meditate on who’s the best person to reveal that part of yourself to (even if that’s a therapist or just telling Christ).
I hope they didn’t choose you lightly or choose wrong for those of you who have been trusted with that part of someone. It is a heavy burden to carry someone’s secret, especially if they won’t tell anyone else. It becomes a burden because not only do you hold someone’s trust, but they now occupy space in you. On top of that, we now have the charge of keeping that person in prayer and guiding them in the right direction to heal (notice I said “guide”, the person has to choose for themselves what to do). If a secret weighs on you because of a criminal element or something along those lines, do what’s best to make sure that you’re safe (this is one of the best times to set boundaries).
It was a pleasure being transparent with you and thanks for hanging on.
