Quite frankly, I didn’t intend to be single this long, but I wouldn’t change my experience for the world. I didn’t always like being single; I thought something was wrong with me. Soon I realized the only thing wrong with my singleness was how I treated it. For some, singleness is a pit stop; for others, it’s a life choice. In either case, singleness isn’t a punishment or a part of life you must rush through. Trust me, I understand how hard being single can be, especially if your heart desires to be partnered, but I need you to understand that whatever you put into your singleness is what you’ll get. A couple of years ago, I went through a depression that stemmed from being unfulfilled in life. Though some of it was job and finance-related, my main issue was that I was still single. I believed that my singleness stopped me from having a fulfilling life; in my mind, a fulfilling life meant being partnered. Not being partnered led to having negative thoughts about myself. I thought I was broken, wasn’t pretty/fun enough, and was worthless, which made me feel empty. The more I rehashed these things in my mind, the deeper into depression I sank, and I didn’t realize it until my folks and friends pointed it out! After realizing I didn’t want to stay in Sunken Place anymore, I sought help through my support system and counseling. I still struggle with those thoughts now and then, but they aren’t as pervasive as they used to be. I said all that to say it’s okay to emote and process your feelings when you’re down, but please, don’t stay there like I did. If you feel hopeless and weighed down because you’re single (or anything else), contact the National Alliance of Mental Health at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or this list of other resources. Now that we’ve established that, I’m going to share with you how I went from being miserable to being content in my singleness.
- Getting to Know The Most High*
*This is one of the names of God I’ve become comfortable using lately
You’d probably figured I’d say this, but it’s true. By digging deeper into my faith, I started reading, studying, and praying more. Doing those things (consistently) helped me build a relationship with The Most High. Learning about HIm is a journey in and of itself, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Now, I’m the kind of person that goes into things head/heart first; then, after jumping in, I realized I should have come up with a plan. Though I talk about this more in-depth in my book, I’ll throw some suggestions your way so you can avoid my mistakes! Regarding reading and studying, research a topic you’ve always been curious about and dig through the various commentaries and resources such as BibleHub, Blue Letter Bible, John Gill, and YouVersion. You can also read a verse or so daily, read the Bible in increments (and jot down some notes and questions to pose to your church leaders or Bible study group), or start by reading some devotionals. As you read and study, don’t forget to meditate on what you learn and apply it to your life! In regards to praying, start small and work your way up. My sister, Nathifa, suggested our prayer group do a five-minute prayer of thanksgiving on Wednesdays and write things you’re grateful for in a gratitude journal. Eventually, that five-minute prayer session turned into 45 minutes of worship and prayer. Setting aside that time for me and The Most High was…well, intimate. Prioritizing Him and our time together strengthened my faith in Him and our bond. My point is there’s no harm in small beginnings; they can lead to something great!
2. Learning About Myself
I love, love, LOVE this part of my journey. Being single gave me room to see what I’m capable of, who I am, and what I want in life. You can learn things about yourself while in a romantic relationship, but there’s something about having space to “be” and explore that’s so exhilarating! Believe me; it’s not all cupcakes and rainbows. I learned some good things about myself, such as my values, likes, quirks, and finding what brings me joy. Still, I also learned about how toxic I could be, how I mismanaged my emotions, how steep my mood swings are, and how I don’t see myself objectively when it comes to me making negative choices. Learning about myself helped me become more confident because I have a sense of who I am and what I stand for. Learning about the darker parts of myself and how to deal with them became the best form of self-care I could do, bringing me to the next point.
3. Healing Myself
When I realized I was toxic, I had to get to the root of it; otherwise, I’d be stagnant for the rest of my life. Digging up the root of my issues was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done because I buried them for so long, and I wasn’t prepared for the overflow of repressed emotion. Thankfully, I had professional and spiritual help to navigate me through my healing journey. I found journaling, making T-charts about why I should heal and why I feel stuck, and gathering resources for my particular issue helpful. If you know you need to heal, start your journey as soon as possible. You’ll thank yourself for it later!
4. Reframing My Self-Worth and Coping Skills
This was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, especially since this was a life-long issue. Despite my hard shell, I was invested in what others thought of me and placed my worth in that. And if I received any (perceived or actual) rejection from people I liked or loved, FORGET IT! Just bury me in a ditch so I could die in darkness and despair! Okay…I admit that’s a bit dramatic, but that’s how hard I took it. In fact, depending on where the rejection came from, I’d fall into an emotional and mental slump that could last from days to months. As my slump deepened, so did my confidence. Remember those thoughts I mentioned in my introduction? You know, the whole, “I’m worthless,” “I’m not good/fun/pretty enough,” and “I’m broken”? Yup, those thoughts came bursting into my mind like the Kool-Aid guy bursts through walls (it was about as messy, too). Was going into a months-long slump because I was hurt the best thing to do? Nope. Was the negative self-talk helpful? Nah. Did I do it anyway? All the dang time! How did I learn to cope better and uplift myself? Honestly, I’m still learning, BUT I found some helpful things. I did a lot of reflection to understand the root of these sentiments came from and why I placed my value in what other people thought of me. I learned that tying my worth to external things like how others perceive me or material/social gain will hinder my growth, affect my authenticity, and get me caught up in the wrong things (like wanting to be accepted by everyone). I learned that I’m not for everyone, and everyone isn’t for me, and that’s okay. I also had to practice saying a lot of affirmations and treating myself with dignity. This comes with consistency and practice, which will build your self-esteem. When you realize your worth, you won’t allow any old thing into your space that can disrupt your peace, your boundaries will be strong, and you’ll be able to walk away from whatever isn’t good for you. Now don’t take what I said and go, “Elizabeth said that I could do anything I want no matter who gets offended because I’m worth it.” Nuh-uh, arrogance sprinkled with apathy and self-worth are different things (that’s another post for another time). It’s a lot of work to reframe your mindset and building up your self-esteem, but it’s worthwhile!
5. Zany Adventures
This is my favorite part of being single, aside from my spiritual development. If you told me six years ago that I’d do a cave tour, go to a wolf sanctuary, partake in a lantern festival, or even learn archery or fly a plane, I’d look at you and then laugh! Sure, maybe I’d go to an exhibit or something with you but learn to shoot a gun or go hiking in an unknown area to find a waterfall, NO WAY! I’m grateful that my sister introduced me to adventurous activities for more reasons than she’ll ever know. Doing out-of-the-box activities added a layer of confidence, boldness, and quirkiness (as if I wasn’t quirky already). Not to mention, doing those things with my adventure squad and loved ones strengthened our bonds.
6. Personal Development
Singleness was the perfect time for me to learn how to invest in myself and my well-being. Cultivating ways to stay active, improve my sleep quality, eat healthier, increasing my financial literacy, and more aided my personal growth! Though I enjoyed all aspects of the journey of investing in myself, I think one of my favorite lessons was decluttering. You see, I’m a clutterbug to the fullest extent, so learning to keep a clear space is tough for me, but decluttering is worth its weight in gold. As a matter of fact, decluttering allowed me to kill two birds with one stone. Clearing my space helped me release old things and keep my mind clear while cleaning out my closet gave me room to reinvent and invest in my aesthetic! Plus, investing in my aesthetic opened the door for me to figure out a skincare routine (spoiler alert, Rosewater is EVERYTHING) which gave me an excuse to pamper myself and gave me another confidence boost. More can be said about investing in yourself and your well-being, but that’s what researching is for!
Hint: If you’d like more information about this topic, type “personal development” in a search engine, and you’ll find some good sources!
These are the things that helped me; what helps you be content with your singleness?
