Usually, these stories start in a place you’re not even supposed to be in with people you probably shouldn’t be around. Well, this is exactly how my journey of singleness started. This was the part of my life where I was wild, and I loved it. I was twenty-four, on the path to getting established, I knew I was sexy, and I was “living my truth.” That “truth” was one of the most repetitive lines of Beyonce’s song Grown Woman. I believed that because I was grown and knew how to cover my tracks, I could do whatever I wanted to do. I could play church, cuss, sleep with anybody, be a victim, and could get drunk if I wanted to. Believe me, there were more actions I could list, but I don’t want to cause my family members to gasp (more than I already have). The point is I wasn’t living a life that was pleasing to God and, though I knew it, it didn’t stop me from living this way. That is until that hot summer night at a club…
This club was a swinging place, and the atmosphere alone stirred some things in me I didn’t realize were there. That night was the most liberated I’ve ever felt and, later, the most convicted I’ve ever been. Time was stretching into the early parts of the morning, and though the initial party was winding down, another was coming in its wake. When asked if I was staying for the after-party, I replied that I couldn’t because I had church in the morning. Yes, I actually said that. You have every right to facepalm me at this point; I have to resist the urge to do so myself. I didn’t realize how ludicrous that sounded and, what’s worse, it was so ridiculous the people thought I was joking. It was that moment it felt like a bucket of water was poured over me. For the rest of the time, I sabotaged any other connections that could have been made, and though I continued engaging in some behaviors, it wasn’t as much fun. I acknowledge that the experience opened me up to new things (which aren’t Holy), and I enjoyed what I experienced, but something didn’t entirely sit right.
I kept reflecting on the things that happened that night with a mix of fondness and discomfort. I continued wrestling with this in the coming weeks until I had one of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had. In the dream, I walked into a room full of lit amethyst figurines that resembled women praying on their knees. I continued walking the hall until I reached a red door that opened without any force. When I walked in, I heard a voice (that sounded more like three voices talking at once) that said, “Stop it.” I looked around the dark room, and suddenly a light flashed, and on the walls were moving images of (what looked like) everything I’d done since college. Every drink I ever took, every person I engaged in coitus with, every time I lashed out and did something underhanded, it was overwhelming to the point I cried in my dream. Then, the images went away, and I heard the voice again, “I’m tired of this, and I’m not pleased with it. STOP IT”.
I sat up with a start, scared out of my mind and trying to figure out what all of it could mean. It didn’t take me long to figure out that I was literally yelled at by The Most High because I’d been acting like a fool. After mulling over what I saw and heard, I decided to take a vow of celibacy on my 25th birthday. Yes, that was a stark decision, but that decision jump-started this singleness journey, and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m telling you this because we Christians like to be shy about where we came from. We tend to hide that we came out of dark places because we’re worried about how others will see us. But today, I’m sharing my testimony to encourage you that you don’t have to feel ashamed about your past. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pleased about my past actions, but I’m not going to hide it and pretend that I’ve been pious my whole Christian journey. We’ve all fallen short, and we’ve all made mistakes! What’s important is that we learn from our mistakes and not rest in shame. That person and those actions are what we used to be, but that’s not who we are anymore. Don’t hold your testimony hostage. Your story may be what someone needs to get a breakthrough. With that said, go forth and tell your story!
